I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
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We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
Clients after you give them your rates
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.