Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
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*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”