I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
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Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.