Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
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Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
buys donuts instead
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing