I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
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Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
I’ve had worse
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
spicy snake
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
This is my pinned tweet
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.