⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
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A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
Owl Sanctuary
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*