People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
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Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.