using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
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Moms. The original autocorrect.
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere