While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
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Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.