I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
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People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing