*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
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I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.