On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
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I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
My support group can outdrink your support group.
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.