You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
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A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
How dramatic are you?
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.