*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
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Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.