[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
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Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
I wish I could veto my bills.
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.