omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
You Might Also Like
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes