My dog ate my work from home.
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Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
💁🏻♂️