Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
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I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
they should invent a hydrating liquor
WHY?!
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?