I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
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[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.