Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
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If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
What an awful time to have common sense.
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
channeling her this year
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
The prophecy is fulfilled
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.