So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
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Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.