The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
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Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!