my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
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(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok