You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
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Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
🤣✨#caturday
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
Delightful if true: booby trap.
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
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When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.