I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
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Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.