talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
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I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
My diet starts in January
of 2027
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈