I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
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Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”