Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
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We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
LMAO.
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still