All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
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Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
If you know, you know
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
Why are bridges so flammable.
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
#MeanwhileInCanada
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.