Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
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If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
Get off my horse you stupid moon
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
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