Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
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Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.