Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
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The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas