2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
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The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
Ferrari squats
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.