HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
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Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
DOOO EEEET
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
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My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.