[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
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Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
Husband of the year 😂
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.