Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
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I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
How to properly lift a body
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.