Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
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My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
this FaceApp is creepy af
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
an octopus is just a wet spider
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.