Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
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Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
Dyslexics are teople poo!
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
My dad teaching me to drive
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.