“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
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reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??