I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
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*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
Butt weight. There’s more!
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.