20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
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I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one