12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
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My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
It’s actually Dr. whatever
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now