If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
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If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
Well, my evening plans are ruined
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
#Caturday
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.