have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
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[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
moms in horror movies
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
😂😂
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis