Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
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MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
Chemical wingman
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.