opening twitter today
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[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
Thanks to a fan for this one!
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID