Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
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If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
“No way.” -Jose
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.