“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
You Might Also Like
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.