her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
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Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
Best table by far
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
Money is the root of all wealth
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”