SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
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I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
Who chose this font
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it